If you’ve been waiting for my yearly reflection post that usually happens at New Years but last year happened on my birthday in January and which has just now showed up this year in late February – sorry, I have few legitimate excuses as to why I haven’t done it yet.
Mainly, post COVID energy drain is real and not fun. Also, after the rollercoaster of last year’s low thyroid diagnosis, going on meds and feeling great, getting heart palpitations and finding out my levels were too high, and then going off meds, I have found out my levels are again too low. I’m back on a lower dose and realizing I’ve been energy drained for several months now. Joy.
But anyway.
What has felt more momentous than turning 29 is that I’m about to reach my 3 year wedding anniversary. And because when I got married is also the major moment of many changes in my life, it tends to be a pretty big – Wow, it’s been HOW long since I [moved to Texas][Worked in the legal field][Graduated College][Got married][Shared an apartment with Kathy][Last went skiing]etc.?! It is not weird to see myself as 29. It is very weird to think 3 years have already passed since March 2019.
If I had to characterize the age of 28 for me in some way, it’s been a year of navigation. My stress and anxiety levels were at an all time high, and it drove me to seek help by getting a mental health counsellor to help me sort it all out, which has helped a lot. And man, if you want to learn something about yourself, talk to a therapist. The amount of self reflection and revelation I’ve had is intense. But through it all I’ve learned more how to better move through stressful relationships, how I need to be conscientious in how I handle my marriage and that bringing the stress home is not always helpful, how it’s okay to dock somewhere if you’re not sure it can be permanent, and how drifting along in the current is not a solution to finding the roots I’ve craved so much.
It was thus that upon turning 29 I could find myself finally a member at a church, with a core group of local people I can truly call friends, feeling more secure and steady than I have in several years. I had a four hour coffee date with a friend the other day where it felt like the conversation was cut short by leaving, and while that’s a wonderful day in and off itself, it also showed me the depths of relationship I’m building here. Stress and worries can still come in life, and there are things I can point to and wish were different and I don’t know how to fix. But the foundation is there. I feel much more the emotionally steady person I was 4 years ago. But also much more wise and grown than I was back then.
And now that I’m feeling more emotionally steady, I realize there’s a lot of stuff I still want to work on, that I’ve wanted to work on for years, but that has unfortunately been put on the back burner as other things have taken over my mind. I really want to work on establishing a quiet time in my life beyond just reading my Bible and saying a quick prayer, especially now that I don’t feel so tired every morning when I wake up. I really want to work on getting plugged into the community, now that failed attempts at that wont be crushing since they won’t be desperate attempts for any sort of social connection. I really want to dig deeper into the friendships I have, now that I have local friends to do that with.
And a lot of random goals aren’t even as important but are still just as exciting. I want to get back to writing more – fiction, and on this blog, and letters to friends. I want to spend my time in little ways that make me happy but which I haven’t found the energy to do for a while – playing music and going on walks for the heck of it and finding time to dance and doing little thoughtful projects for others. I want to have adventures big and small.
And I think, this year, I’m going to.
It’s exciting, it’s a tad bit daunting, since I feel out of practice with some of it. But it’s going to be so good in so many ways.
Working on FOUNDATIONS is the goal this year. Getting me to a closer baseline of who and what I want to be. Because I’ve made a ton of mental progress this year. It’s time to let that flow out into actions, habits, and behaviors as well.
I Say It Better In Writing 